on routine

Hi.

The plan, initially, was fortnightly updates — then, as March rumbled by, monthly. Now it’s mid-April, and I’m trying not to get too hung up on the awkward interval that’s been left between this post and the first. The battle against perfectionism!

I’ve always relied very heavily on routines to function. At the moment, I have a rigorous morning routine, a set list of weekly and monthly to-dos, and personal goals that I review quarterly. My partner knows that Saturday morning is for laundry, and that I’ll be completely thrown off if it doesn’t get done at that time. My life is a mess, and consistency is the security blanket I depend on just to survive.

My psychologist tells me it’s an overwhelming need for control; desperate attempts to shape outcomes that I ultimately have very limited influence over. She’s right, as she usually is — I can’t stand uncertainty, going with the flow. Without the assurance of a schedule, the comfort of neat patterns, I am gasping for air.

The trouble is: chaos is smothering, but routine also cages you in. It keeps me on autopilot, to the extent where I am now perhaps not living but just existing. Going through the motions. Set and forget.

Autopilot is better than the alternative (crippling anxiety, ha), but it also means a life of pastels instead of technicolour. I have disciplined myself into doing things because I should and not because I want to, and have, in the process, replaced the instincts of joy and thrill for a tick-the-boxes style of productivity. Sure, removing options, taking away the variable of whether I want to, dilutes the stress — but in protecting myself from the agonising lows, I also forego the elation of the highs.

Let’s be clear, here — publishing this rambling update on a Sunday instead of a Monday is not a big step. Allowing myself to write this six weeks, rather than a perfect month, after my initial post is not some groundbreaking indication of personal growth. But hey, it’s low hanging fruit, and I have to start somewhere.

Baby steps. I am taking the baby steps.

Thanks for reading.